The Double Bind Rules Of The Game.
Sometimes people don’t take life seriously enough. It is dangerous to treat life like a game, you could die before you’re supposed to! One of the best ways to ensure that people take life more seriously, is to create conditions in your relationship where they feel ‘damned if they do’ and ‘damned if they don’t’. While in reality, you know that your partner needs your love and will therefore do whatever you want them to do in order to receive it. It’s important that they think they are a free individual. In the case that they ‘don’t get’ what it is you want them to do, have someone who knows you both hint it to them but have them also tell your lover that they need to do it by their own volition. It would be too vulnerable to share what it would mean to you if they met your request, so keep your feelings inside where they belong and whatever you do, do not speak directly with your partner. Conceal don’t feel! It’s a fine balance of contradictory rules that keeps people on their toes. Can’t let anyone get too comfortable. On the one hand you want your lover to maintain some semblance of dignity, but on the other hand you are counting on duty and obligation to weigh on their conscience. The best way to do this is to think the word ‘ should’ but don’t actually say it! This ensures no matter what they do they will fail to live up to the hidden duties and obligations you’ve created in your mind for them. You can also do this with simple things such as, for example, saying that you don’t want any presents for your birthday and then acting disappointed when your partner doesn’t get you anything. Remember, this is about keeping them confused, not overwhelmed, just preoccupied enough to believe in the drama of life as reality.
Hash And Rehash Your Relationship Problems…But Not With Your partner.
If something about your relationship bothers you to the point that it is replaying in your mind, find someone, anyone other than your partner, to hash it out with. It is best if this bitching buddy cannot personally attest to your lover and it’s especially helpful if they have low emotional literacy and just want to be more important to you than your lover. Make sure you really set the ‘what if’ fire ablaze by pouring forth the gasoline of imaginative worst case scenarios. You are really brilliant if you take liberty in making assumptions about what it all means metaphorically in your relationship and in life. Since the last thing you want is connection or resolution, do not speak directly with the person involved and make sure you create as much unnecessary conflict as possible by getting more people involved in the drama. This is a fantastic test for your partner to see if they really care, when they do finally discover that things are stressed between you two, and middle men ensure they have a mountain of drama to deal with. The more responsibility they take for the situation the more of a keeper they are! Keep amping up the drama until you find the sweet spot of breaking their will to be happy in life, but don’t push them past suicidal, unless of course you want to feel the sympathy of being the bereaved. In which case, fill your home with plenty of sharp objects, and loaded guns.
Stay Vigilant And Suspicious.
Unconditional positive regard is for weaklings. Whether you believe in god or a mechanistic universe, any which way you slice it, there is no true cooperation in life. Omnipotent and divine, our father who art in heaven is waiting for you to mess up with your ‘free will’. Evolutionarily, this is an uncompromisingly hostile universe that you just happen to be in. No one gets out alive, and the best way to get through life is to one-up the powers that be. In relationship this means having a worthy enemy as a partner. Or if you prefer that power stuff, someone who desperately needs you in order to feel connected. The best scenario is a combination of both. Thinking the best of your partner is going to leave you blindsided when they hurt you so stay away from that unified-field-of-reality-yin-yang stuff. Your partner is definitely NOT connected to you, and because of this fundamental truth, you must stay alert at all times for untrustworthy behavior. You can barely get a grip on yourself, why would you trust another person? Life is a battle, and you must be willing to pummel anything that is not you. If you are there to point out how wrong your partner is, while you stay very correct outwardly, they will eventually realize that they are worthless and that you are the supreme ruler of the relationship. That’s the point of life, to win at all costs! Even then, however, it is important to never let yourself slip into any oneness type feelings that could distract you from keeping an eye on them and catching them when they do try to take advantage of you. In the same vein, use support and encouragement sparingly and only in case of emergency that they become too depressed to be a worthy foe. Most importantly, and in order to keep them in line, they need to live with the fact that how well you think of them is dependent on their behavior.
Feedback, Opinions, and Advice.
Feedback is a tool you want to use as infrequently as possible as it prevents you from determining if your partner can indeed read your mind. A true soul mate will know what you think and feel about their actions without you telling them. Anyone else is an imposter, test them constantly! The more enigmatic you can remain, the faster you will be able to determine if you two have that psychic connection necessary for lasting love! If it doesn’t last forever it’s not real. On the other hand unsolicited opinions and advice are invaluable. It subconsciously communcates to them that you can ruin, I mean run their life better than they can, and reminds them that trust is built by them doing what you want. Technique is key when using opinions and advice; they are best interjected while your lover is in action trying to accomplish something, especially if it has nothing to do with you. A great training tool is to give them a task to do and then supervise them while they do it. Promptly pointing out what they do wrong as soon as they do it is essential. Never mind what your partner wants (remember that that free agent stuff is just an illusion) what matters is that you turn your criticism outwardly, otherwise your inner judge will not have an outlet and it will canabalize you. Judging your partner is the easiest way to purge negative inner dialogue. Naturally there will be some collateral damage along the way on your journey towards ‘death do us part’. Some people just aren’t that strong, and opinions and advice can separate the wheat from the chaff and reveal those vulnerable to dying on the inside when their lives are directed by another. But remember, what matters is not that you meet deeply and bring out the best in each other. The goal is to find someone who will commit to staying together no matter what so that you can celebrate your fiftieth wedding anniversary!
One of the most fun ways of keeping your lover alert and attentive is by using covert communication. Especially potent mechanisms are stories that employ guilt, pity, subtle blame, and in general, mixed messages. You know you are doing it right if what you say makes it difficult for them to know what you need or desire, and takes any frivolous fun out of the relationship. This is a great way of testing their intelligence level and their commitment to you. If they care and are smart, they will use simple math to add up all the different sentiments you mention according to their respective category, and divide by the number of comments to see which category represents what you really mean via a percentage. If your lover is one of those more creative types, they can use their ‘intuition’, but only based on fear after making assumptions and speculating for a minimum of sixty minutes. Remember, you are helping them to develop their skills in reading between the lines which is necessary to get ahead in life. Furthermore, some people just don’t need others so it is important to find out what beast you’re dealing with. Because unnecessary worry is a sign of true love, it is vital that they draw on their imagination as well as the past and potential future outcomes and really feel anguished. In any case, if your partner is worried about what you mean, they will not have time or energy to focus on other things in life. Spent energy coupled with fear, which is especially paralyzing, is the best safeguard against unacceptable attrocities such as roving eyes and divorce.
And there you have it. By following these 5 easy steps you can prove to yourself what you already know, that relationships are created to be destroyed. I hope you enjoyed this thorough and satirical exploration of some of the common pitfalls in traditional relationship models. If, for some mysterious reason, these pointers didn’t quite do it for you, check out Alan Watt’s book ‘ The Book On The Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are.’ Also stay ‘tooned’ as we are working on an upcoming book relating to Conscious Relationship Design!! Yippee!!