Hmmm… This one is definitely multifaceted. There have been many elements of my being as well as experiences I have had that have influenced my chosen relationship style. The short answer is that this relationship style most meets my needs for intimacy, unconditional love, and authentic connection in life. It is hard to track what started my journey, although there are notable highlights, but my catalyst was a commitment I made to myself after a series of monogamous relationships that dropped like dominoes. I realized I had been living inauthentically in an effort to be gentle with partner feelings because I didn’t know if what I really wanted existed, and I was trying to make things fit. Square peg, round hole. I then got really clear that I was committed to having the relationship I wanted no matter what. I felt sure that it would come together and yet I felt totally at peace with the possibility that not compromising on ‘being met’ could mean dying alone. I was willing to live the tension between security and freedom in order to create sustainable models of relating. I wanted the security and deep knowing that came from committed partnership but I also desired to freely relate with whoever so peaked my interest in whatever way was worth pursuing.
If someone I have a crush on is attracted to me as well, I will move forward deepening in intimacy as feels safe. I have a desire to uncover the mystery of the people who inspire and turn me on. And if the situation is right, and the other person and I are on the same page about the meaning assigned to the act of sex, do that too. Being appreciated for who I am and being able to share unlimited potential connection is what drew me to polyamory. Feeling anxious about crossing a partners’ line, drawn out of fear, to the detriment of natural relating on a deep and fulfilling level became out of the question. One of the ways I choose to grow, is through discovering other people who understand and meet me. It has been very fulfilling for me to expand the depth of emotional and physical intimacy I experience in ways I never expected. I have had the opportunity to experience conversations and situations that reinvent what is possible for a person to experience in a lifetime.
There are so many sexy things that have nothing to do with penis in vagina. So many games, so many roles, so much fun to be had that falls outside of a hetero-normative experience! I consider myself a sapiophile, stimulating the mind is sexy to me, so for example a sexy thing could be to play the teacher who instructs the student to write a thousand word essay on ” How is matriarchy and aggression portrayed in the Pink Floyd video ‘The Wall’ ?” I like conversing about hopes, dreams, desires, and also what I am exploring in life. I want to grow towards fewer and fewer inhibitions of full authentic expression even when that means ‘ no I am not interested and no it has nothing to do with the fact that I am married.’ I refuse to use my husband as a shield from unwanted attention that I can reasonably decline. I don’t have anxiety trying to remember rule 2.4 about not holding hands with my friend while sitting at a restaurant. I became turned on to polyamory because my desire to live authentically was stronger than my desire for security. I find that the monogamy model has many undercurrents of patriarchy and unconscious agreements about what true love means that do not serve me. I have done more for my personal development with responsible polyamory, by undoing unconscious agreements about love and relationship, than any other one spiritual path.
I define romantic relationships as a win win partnership that forms between two or more people who are most capable and willing to grow together and support each other. I have always been sad when people in my life create an end to the friendship because the romantic aspect dies. I see relationships as a continuous stream of relating rather than a relationship that ends once the partnership ends. I have been in very controlling relationships with people who portrayed themselves, before commitment entered the picture, as open and expansive people. I have literally been asked not to wear jewelry that an ex-boyfriend gave me. The same lovely chap didn’t want me to wear high heels because he felt insecure about his height. Another sweetheart of a man told me not to go topless at our fresh spring hang out because he would feel disrespected if his friends saw me topless. And back in the day, before I got real with myself about how much I embodied polyamory, I just wanted a commitment from the other person that it wasn’t a ‘no’. ‘Yes’, we can look together at people we find beautiful and giggle together about crushes. ‘YES’ we could have THAT conversation if the day ever came where I wanted to share sex with someone else. I want my partner(s) to trust me and my process enough, to trust empowerment models rather than power-over models, to not moderate my behavior. I associate with people who ‘get’ that putting the blinders on ‘your’ pony is not an effective strategy if you truly want to know the wild beast within.
I love ambiguous relationships because it is a puzzle I am not in a hurry to piece together. My attraction for people is VERY discriminating and I have a strong need for emotional availability. I love having the patience and the privilege to open up my world to someone else, or be shown another’s world at my own pace and without agenda. It’s not about looking for someone to have sex with. It’s about trying to discover what is special about those beautiful people that come into our lives, as well as following our bliss. I am polyamorous because life to me is about loving more and being happy!!